Golf Funeral

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

"The Bush administration says they want to declare all golf course water hazards as protected wetlands. It's part of their plan to save restricted country clubs."
--David Letterman

Silly Question

A man picks up his golf-ignorant girlfriend after he has come from the links. While he's driving the tees in his pocket fall out.
His girlfriend asks, "Harry, what are those things that just fell out of your pockets?"
"Oh, those are called tees. I put my balls on them when I'm driving."
"Oh, well. Ask a silly question, get a silly answer."

Pearly Gates

A golfer hits a big slice on the first hole, and his ball ends up behind a small shed. He's about to chip out when the caddie says, "Wait! I'll open the window and the door, then you can hit a 3-wood right through the shed."
After the caddie opens the escape route, the golfer makes a big swing. The ball nearly makes it, but hits the windowsill, then bounces back and hits the golfer in the head.
The next thing the golpher knows, he's standing at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter sees him with his 3-wood in hand and says, "I guess you think you're a pretty good golfer."
And the guy says, "Hey, I got here in two, didn't I?"

Tiger and Stevie

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger says, "You play golf?" Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."
"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night."

Tiger's Tees

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf and completely unaware of Tiger's identity, greets him in a typical Irish manner.
"Top of the mornin' to ya, sir," says the attendant.
Tiger, who is familiar with Irish custom, responds with, "And the rest of the day to you!"
He gives a quick nod and bends forward to pick up the nozzle of the gasoline hose. As he does, two golf tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those," asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what on the good earth are they for," inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"