Alabama Rednecks

The Jumper

A farmer in his pickup truck in Alabama was driving across a bridge when he noticed a man standing on the rail of the bridge ready to jump to his death in the river below.
The man stopped his truck ran up to the man and said, "Hey fellow, why are you doing this?"
The man replied, "Well, I have nothing to live for."
The Alabama man replied, "Well, think of your wife and children!"
The jumper replied, "I have no wife or children."
The Alabama man then said, "Well, then think of your mother and father!"
The man replied, "Mom and Dad passed on many years back."
The Alabama man then said, "Well, think of General Robert E. Lee!"
The would-be jumper replied, "Who?"
With that the Alabama man said, "Jump, you stupid Yankee, jump!!!"

Alabama Special Forces

The latest ploy to drive the Taliban and Al Queda out of the mountains of Afghanistan is to send in a team of Alabama Special Forces.
Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Red, Scooter, and Cooter are being sent in with the following info about the Taliban:
 
1. There is no bag limit.
2. The season opened last weekend.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music, or Jesus.
5. Some are gay.
6. They don't like barbecue.
7. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.
Should be over in just about a week.

3 Dead Bodies

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Alabama, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."

Flowers

A man in Alabama had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tare."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand that neither."