Your Diet
For those of you who watch what you eat...
Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's
a relief to know the
truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine andsuffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wineand suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Refrigerator Diet
One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table for dinner.
I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender,
perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.
"Mom, what's this?" I asked.
"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.
"Is it working?" I asked.
"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"
"Recent studies have found that a diet high in soy beans
and soy sauce can result in infertility in men. Which that
goes to explain China's low population."
--Conan O'Brien
Exciting New Facts About Chocolate...
I thought you could learn a few new things about chocolate.
Chocolate is a vegetable. How, you ask?
Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS.
Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
To go one step farther, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights,
and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If you eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, the calories actually counteract each other.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose.
An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?!
You Know It's Time To Diet When....
You dance and it makes the band skip.
You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
You could sell shade.
Your blood type is Ragu.
You need an appointment to attend an ' open house'.
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