Dad's Lunch

After an exhausting weekend, I woke up Monday morning and sleepily packed lunch for my eight-year-old child.
When I got home from work late that day, she handed me a note from her teacher, requesting that I see her.
"What's this all about?" I asked sternly.
Opening her lunch box, my daughter showed me the drink I had packed for her that morning. It was a can of beer.

Class Picture

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher...she's dead."

The Flavors and Colors

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first-graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of lifesaver one at a time and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:
"Red.................cherry",
"Yellow..............lemon",
 "Green...............lime",
"Orange..............orange"
Finally, the teacher gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled, "Everybody spit them out -- they're assholes!!!"

Punishment in School

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."

Teacher to class: "Give me a good example of an oxymoron."
Kid in back row: "A well adjusted transvestite."

The following are true questions and answers from a graduate school science test:
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtiration makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. How can you delay milk from turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpet on the stairs.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says ‘good bye’ to boyhood and looks forward to adultery.
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Pre-mature death.
Q. What is a fibular?
A. A small lie.
Q. How are the body parts categorized? (E.g. Abdomen)
A. The body is categorized into three parts, brainium, borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels- A E I O and U.
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby.