MONEY.....

It can buy a House But not a Home
It can buy a Bed But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock But not Time
It can buy you a Book But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine not Health
It can buy you Blood But not Life
It can buy you Sex But not Love
So you see money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering...
So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy."
--- Groucho Marx

An American history teacher, lecturing the class on the Puritans, asked: "What sort of people were punished in the stocks?"
To which a small voice from the back of the room responded: "The small investor."

Real Appraisal

Since he runs a pawnshop, I decided to ask a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin. "Old fiddles aren't worth much, I'm afraid," he explained.
"What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?" I asked.
"If you're buying it from me, it's a violin. If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle."

Valuable?

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it’s not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.
So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.
Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian currency?"

"A leak in the Alaskan Pipeline last week spilled 265,000 gallons of crude oil into the artic tundra. British petroleum, the company that runs The oil operation, said that the spill was too small to be detected by their maintenance equipment. But just large enough to rise the price of gas fifteen cents a gallon this week."
 --Jay Leno

Out of Court Settlement A gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at a stop sign, they are rear ended by a big semi. Furiously, the guy in the passenger throws his purse on the seat, gets out of the car, to the truck and starts banging on the door. The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing there with his hands on his hips, says, "I'm gonna sue your ass, Buddy!" The truck driver, laughs and says, "Suck my dick!" The gay guy stands there for a second, then his eyes get really big and his face lights up. He runs back to the car, and says excitedly to his lover, "You won't believe it, he wants to settle out of court!" Back To The Top

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