Escaped Prisoner

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair.
While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
 While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too."

Eye On His Wife

A man has to take a business trip overseas so he entrusts his best friend with the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, his friend was to notify him immediately. After about a week with no contact, the businessman received a telegram containing only one sentence. "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday."

Good Eye

Driving my friend Steve and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer.
Steve's girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her."
"No," Steve corrected, "If I drank a six-pack, you'd look like her."

"The Wall Street Journal reports that two million Americans got married because of someone they met online. The bad news, four million got divorced because of somebody they met online."
--Jay Leno

"Crime of passion is a phrase that drives me crazy. A man murdering his girlfriend is not a crime of passion. Premature ejaculation--that’s a crime of passion."
---Hellura Lyle

Intelligent Women

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me. He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"
She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.
"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!!!!?
"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."
Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman

Lottery

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.
"Well," she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
"Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.
She replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari.
"Where did you get that car?" her husband asks.
Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings.
That night, his wife asks him to draw her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed.
When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end.
"What's this?" she asks her husband.
"Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?"