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Connections
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license.
He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
A Poet
My English professor was stopped for speeding. When asked why she was driving so fast, she quoted Robert Frost: "I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep.""But, Miss," replied the officer, obviously familiar with the poet, "Frost chose the road less traveled, and, unfortunately for you, this wasn't it."
Is It My Face?
A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?""No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."
Never Test a Woman
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After
all of the background checks, interviews, and
testing were done there were three finalists, two
men and a woman. For the final test, the
CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun,
"I know that you will follow your
instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside of this room, you will find your wife
sitting in a chair, Kill Her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could
never shoot my wife." The agent said,
"Then you're not the right man for this
job."
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came
out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I
can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what
it takes, take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was
given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots
were heard, one shot after another. They heard
screaming, crashing and banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door
opened slowly and there stood the woman. She
wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You
guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with
blanks, I had to beat his ass to death with the
chair."
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Ticket Violation
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
Ticket Revenge
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got the energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.
"Get well quick... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
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