Sweet Revenge

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a glass of beer, and the bartender
says, "That'll be four cents, please."
The guy nearly spits out his beer. "Four cents?!" he says in amazement. 
"How much for a plate of fish and chips with extra mashed potatoes and gravy and a side order of peas?"
"Eleven cents," says the bartender. Requires a Java Enabled Browser.
The customer says he's going to recommend this place to all of his friends because of the low prices. "Wow!" he exclaims. "Where's the manager so I can thank him for these low prices and shake his hand?"
"Upstairs," says the bartender, "with my wife."
"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" the customer asks.
"Same thing I'm doing to his bar and his money," the bartender calmly replies.

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Cliff and Norm

I have not seen anyone explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, on Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Specialty of the House

A very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he's sitting down, he hears the man next to him tell the bartender, "I'll have another waterloo."
The bartender gives the fellow a tall, well-iced drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink.
Thinking the other man's drink may be a specialty of the house, he says, "I'll have a waterloo, too."
The bartender gives him the tall, well-iced drink, and the customer takes a big drink.
"Hey," he says, "this isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, "Well, it is water. Right, Lou?"